Finding A Place
by The Jedi Wizard Hobbit
Summary: OotP Spoilers. Sirius told Harry that he ran away from home because he'd had enough. But he never told him what happened that day. Complete.


Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue, everybody's happy.

Hello everybody! This little piece came to me as I was reading OotP. It came from the section where Sirius talks to Harry about his horrible family, and how he ran away from home. And then after finishing the book I decided that I needed to write it to help me cope with Sirius' death. So here it is. I hope everyone likes it!

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**Finding A Place**

I think the most important thing for anyone to know about me is how much I despised them. That, and how much I hated her yelling.

"Perseus! If you don't disown this boy, I swear to you that I will!"

"Really, dear? What has he done this time?" came the lazy voice of the master of the house.

My father, sitting down to his breakfast, looked up idly over a pitcher of ice water. Only my family would have a pitcher of ice water on the breakfast table. My mother said that it woke you up to drink something cold and tasteless in the morning. One winter morning when I was five years old, I had told her that I was too cold to drink it, and she resolved this by pouring the entire pitcher over my head, and sending me to my room without any meals that day. You learned quickly in this house. You learned to stay out of the way, and do what you were told, and agree with your elders no matter what they thought. 

And most importantly, you learned to make sure that no one ever knew your private business.

"What has he done? You won't believe it this time! To begin with, he's still writing letters to that half-breed monster he met in school!"

My hands tightened into fists and I felt my back go rigid. The thought of a gentle-eyed, brown-haired boy, whose nose was always stuck in a book, rose in my mind. That boy resting on a bed in the hospital wing when we were twelve, before we knew what was wrong. Bloody, and bruised, and trying to hide the pain. I tried to push the image to the side knowing that thinking on it too much would cause me to lash out at her, something I couldn't afford to do.

You learned quickly in this house not to talk back.

"Remus is not a half-breed or a monster," I growled through gritted teeth.

Three heads at the table turned sharply to me. One pair of eyes blinked confusedly. Regulus. He always looked so shocked whenever I did things like this. I never understood why he wasn't used to it by then. 

I had disagreed with everything that they had said since I learned how to open my mouth.

My mother's face had turned bright red. Already, I had overstepped the line. And in record time too – only 8:35 in the morning.

"How dare you call that-that… _beast_ by a name!"

"That _beast_ is my _friend_!" I yelled, slamming my palm on the polished, one hundred year old mahogany table.

"We'll just see about that!" my mother roared. "After I owl a few parents, they will start writing letters to your headmaster, and he will have no choice but to expel the brute! See how long you stay friends with him after that!"

You learned quickly in this house to have escape routes.

An icy fear had gripped my stomach, but I immediately realized the way out. "If you tell anyone about Remus, I'll tell the headmaster about those things that you gave to the Malfoy's for safe keeping. Narcissa will never be able to marry into their family if you get them in trouble, and I don't think that dad's sister would be very happy about that."

My mother's eyes flashed with malice and she rose from the table with a large serving spoon in her hand. She might have decided to strike me with it, but at the moment I didn't care. All that mattered was that she couldn't tell anyone about Remus. She couldn't hurt my friends.

She ended up sitting back down at my father's insistence. As she sank into her chair again, he started up.

"I do wonder why that boy has been allowed so many privileges. If I had been the Lupin's, I would have killed the boy after he got bitten. I mean despite the fact that they're as poor and disgraceful as the Weasley's, they are still a pureblood family. You'd think they would want to maintain some of their dignity."

"Some people have this thing called compassion that usually prevents them from killing their offspring," I retaliated. It occurred to me how differently that comment would have gone over had I been surrounded by different people. I tried to imagine their faces. Three young lively faces laughing at my sarcasm, waiting to find out what clever remark I would come up with next.

But when I shifted back to reality I found myself sitting at the breakfast table with a bristling father and a seething mother. Two people who I'd never understood, who'd never understood me.

"You watch your cheek, boy," my mother hissed. "I'm not anywhere near done with you. Not after what I just found out this morning."

"What happened, Felicia?" my father asked, now sounding genuinely interested.

She eyed me viciously giving me the distinct impression of a circling vulture. I had always been certain that if she'd ever become an Animagus that would have been the form she took.

"Apparently our son has taken to spending a great deal of time with various girls at school," my mother gossiped in her usual nasty drawl. "In fact, one of his fellow students found him kissing one of his classmates… a mudblood."

I heard a fork clatter. Regulus was staring at his plate. Of course he knew, but I knew he wasn't the one who told. He may have thought that I was out of line on a regular basis, but I was still his big brother. He worried for me in spite of himself. Stupid little prat.

My father looked ready to strangle me from across the table. I couldn't believe that this had come up. So, I'd snogged with one of the girls at school. She was nice. It wasn't serious, we both knew that, just a bit of fun. We weren't going out or anything, and we certainly hadn't made wedding plans, though my parents seemed to think so.

"What's her name?" my father asked angrily.

"Why do you care?" I shot back.

His nostrils flared. "Because I want to know the name of the person that you're planning on disgracing this family with!"

"It wasn't a big deal!" I exclaimed. 

Well, that was the wrong thing to say. Apparently, they thought it _was_ a big deal. My mother gasped and my father's veins started bulging out at the temples. "_Not a big deal?_" he whispered venomously. "That's what you think? You've been disobeying your mother's demands about that half-breed, you've been kissing mudbloods, doing heaven knows what else with them, and you think that it's _not a big deal_?"

I stared at him incredulously. "What do you mean 'doing heaven knows what else with them'?" I watched his gaze shift to my brother, as if he was worried that the current line of conversation would corrupt him. It was unbelievable what he seemed to think I was capable of. "What do you think I've been doing, father? Just say it."

My mother narrowed her eyes at me and decided to speak for him. "All I can say is that there will be none of that dirty blooded trash bearing the name of Black. We have a rich history and heritage. You will not go associating yourself with people like that. I will not have any grandchildren by mudblood mothers."

"You have no right to tell me who to marry or who to care about!" I spat. My anger was reaching its boiling point, and I could feel my hands trembling against my knees as I gripped them.

"Oh yes, we do," my mother snarled, snapping for Kreacher so he would come and take our plates away. "You are a member of this family, and because of that, you have certain responsibilities to uphold. So far you have managed to be nothing but a disgrace to the Black name. But we will no longer allow that to continue. You are going to become a real member of this family, and finally understand what being a pureblood is all about."

"I already know what being a pureblood is all about," I muttered aloud disgustedly. "It's a load of rubbish. Just something you all like to believe in, so that you'll feel superior to other people."

I knew that I shouldn't have tested her, and that my words were going to hit a nerve, but I didn't care. I was so sick of hearing it over and over. Tired of their brainwashing. Weary of the constant battering that I was subjected to. I couldn't take one more day of their relentless lies. I wanted my friends. I wanted my freedom.

She wanted control.

"How dare you!" she shrieked. "You are a shame to this family, Sirius Orion Black!"

"So you've been telling me for the past sixteen years!" I stood up from the table, my body becoming stiff with rage. "I'm the disgrace! I'm the disappointment! I'm ruining the family name!" I pointed a shaking finger at Regulus. "He's the perfect one! I'll never be as good as that obedient little slave!"

"Don't you talk about your brother that way!" my father roared.

"Or what?" I challenged, spreading my arms. "What will you do? Make me do housework? Lock me in my room? Beat me? What?" I dropped my hands to my sides and eyed them both with loathing, a look that was returned to me with great ease. "So, I kissed a girl at school. I was unaware that it was a problem. What do you want to know about it?" I watched as they gaped at me. This was clearly not the question they had been expecting. 

I smirked inwardly at the fact that I was able to catch them off-guard. "What do you want to know? If I enjoyed it? - I did. If I got her pregnant? - I didn't. If I'm in love with her? - I'm not. She was just a friend, not that it's any of your business. Why do you care? How can you believe me capable of doing such horrible things just because I don't hold with your ridiculous, pureblooded, superior race nonsense? All you've done is feed us lies since we were born, and I refuse to listen to this garbage anymore!"

My mother rushed around to my side of the table, her jaw clenched, her face white as dry bone. She grabbed my arm in a vice-like grip and used her other hand to slap me hard across the face. I bowed my head, feeling my cheeks start to burn with shame and embarrassment and anger. It was over. She had won again.

But at that moment something else took hold of me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her reach into her robe for her wand. Fear shot through my veins and my instincts took control. Using all my strength, I wrenched my arm out of her grasp and shot past her, not bothering to catch my father or brother's reactions as I dashed from the room. I barreled down the hallway, hearing the pounding of my mother's footsteps as she came after me. My heart was nearly beating out of my chest as I skidded to a stop in front of the main staircase, and began charging up the first flight.

On a rush of pure adrenaline, my body carried me up the steps. I heard my mother's distant voice call from below me, "You keep running, Sirius Black! And I better not see your face this week, or you have my word that I'll hex you till you can't scream and beat you till you can't walk!"

You learned quickly in this house that threats were not empty.

I tried not to think about what she had said as I continued to run. Past pictures of ancestors, hundreds of years old. That was what I lived in. One big heirloom. One giant antique store. I jumped over a worn out step with a large splinter sticking up near the railing. I remembered the large scar running down my leg from the time that my mother had pushed me down the stairs and I had landed on that splinter, after I had accidentally broken a vase belonging to her great-grandmother. She had been able to repair it, of course, it was just the fact that I had been so careless that made her angry. My mother hadn't bothered to heal the wound, saying that it would remind me not to play in the house. I was eight years old then, and I wasn't allowed to play in the house. I wasn't allowed to play anywhere. When I did, I was punished.

I finally reached the third floor and flung open the first door I came to. My room. I breathed a sigh of frightened relief and closed my door, locking it for good measure, though I knew it couldn't really stop anyone from getting in if they wanted to. Leaning against the wall, I sank down to the floor giving myself time to catch my breath. I felt hot and uncomfortable, and took off my heavy robes, leaving on my lighter muggle clothing. When I had finally started to breath normally again, I stood up and walked over to the large mirror on top of my dresser. As I approached I heard it say, "Oh my, what happened to you now?"

I carefully examined my face in the glass. My cheek was red and raw. I had to reflect for a moment on what had happened downstairs to account for what I was seeing. She had backhanded me. I couldn't recall another time when she had hit me that hard. The rings on her hand had left welts on my face. I prodded my cheekbone with my finger and immediately winced at the pain. Funny, how I hadn't even noticed it till then. Giving a frustrated hiss, I walked over to my bed and flopped down on it, burying my face in my pillow and ignoring the throbbing in my cheek as I did so.

You learned quickly in this house what it felt like to reach your limits.

Something had to be done. I couldn't do this anymore. I was tired of being afraid and threatened. No one else had to live like this. Hell, Remus' parents loved him to death, it didn't matter what he did, what he was. They loved him because he was their son. Not a monster, not a threat to their good name. Their son. 

I envied my friends sometimes. James had a perfect family. His parents had never put him down for his shortcomings. They had never disliked me even though they knew that I was one of the primary reasons that James got into trouble so much at school. In fact, I always had the sneaking suspicion that they treated me better for it. Like they were glad that the two of us had so much in common. They took comfort in the fact that their son had friends and was happy. That was all that mattered. James…

And then it hit me. That was where I had to go. The one place where I had always been welcome, where no one had ever made me feel inferior. The parents who made me feel like a part of the family from the moment I met them. The place where my best friend, my brother, would always be waiting to hear from me. The family that I truly felt at home with. 

It was the only option I had left. I was going to the Potter's. Tonight.

That comforting thought got me through the day as I began to pack my things into my trunk. I made sure that I just packed the items that I needed, only hanging on to a few special possessions that I deemed valuable. Some photographs, Christmas gifts from my friends, my favorite books. I tried to focus my thoughts on seeing James again. As long as I could keep that in my mind, I could numb myself to the pain.

Later that day as I sat on my bed and mentally said goodbye to my familiar surroundings, I heard a knock at the door. I didn't respond, not daring to tempt fate, and held my breath as the door slowly creaked open. It was Regulus. He spotted my trunk at the foot of my bed and glanced at me questioningly. 

"Are you… going somewhere?"

I shrugged. "What if I am?"

A strange sort of pleading look came over my brother's face. "But you can't. Where will you stay? The Ministry wouldn't allow you to change guardians. Not unless mum and dad said it was okay."

"How do you know they won't say it's okay?" I countered. "They don't seem too keen on having me around."

Regulus stepped further into the room. He stared at me. It took me a moment to realize what he as looking at.

"She really hit you hard this time, didn't she?" he whispered. His eyes drifted to the floor. "I'm sorry… Maybe… maybe things would be better if you didn't have to make them so mad all the time… I know that you don't mean to make them angry. And I know that they don't mean to do the things that they do either…"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I forced out a mirthless laugh, causing him to look up again. "I don't mean to make them angry? Oh, Regulus, my poor little brother! Yes, I _do_ mean to make them angry. Just as much as mother means to hit me… I'm sorry that it's so hard for you to grasp. But you better wizen up soon, little brother. You'll have to realize sooner or later that they're lying to you. All of this Black pureblood crap-"

"I'm sorry that you're ashamed of our family, Sirius," Regulus interrupted in an unusually steely tone, "but I'm not. I'm proud to be a member of such a strong pureblood line. You may see that as brainwashing, but I believe that it is my duty to demonstrate the superiority of pureblood families in the wizarding world. You don't have to agree with it, but please don't try to change my mind about it."

It pained me to hear him say those words. I suddenly felt guilty. Maybe if I hadn't been so caught up in contradicting our parents when we growing up, I might have been able to instill more of my values in him. Now he was going to be just like them. I could only hope that his gentle nature would prevent him from being quite as cruel.

"I won't try to change your mind. I'm sorry that you feel that way."

He shifted his gaze back up to meet mine. There was fear and sadness flickering in the depths of his eyes. "Are you really leaving?"

"Yes."

The hope in his face fell and I grappled to reassure him. "Don't worry, you'll see me in school all year."

Regulus nodded and turned toward the door. A panic seized me as he grabbed the handle. 

"Regulus?"

He turned back to me.

"Don't tell them."

I knew I didn't need to say more. I watched as my brother nodded slowly and left the room, shutting the door quietly behind him.

Later that night when I was sure that everyone in the house would be asleep, I opened my bedroom window and took in a breath of fresh air. This was it. Attaching my trunk to my broom, I mounted it and carefully guided it out of the window. My first step to freedom. I felt the wind rush through my hair and I looked back one last time to the house that I was leaving behind. The house that had never been a home.

I suddenly felt exhilarated. I was really doing it. I was leaving them behind for good. And I would never go back to them. Never.

I had thought about contacting James before I left to let him know that I was coming, but I decided against it. I was too afraid that he would tell me to sleep on it, think it over. Afraid that he would talk me out of it. Unlikely as that was, I had to make sure that he heard the whole story directly from me. He deserved to know exactly what I was running from. I had never really told him everything – he knew about my parent's views on mudbloods and people like Remus, and the arguments I got into with them, but he didn't know about the blows to the head, the pushing and the screaming, the intimidation and the threats. I had been too ashamed to tell him.

I lifted a hand up to my cheek, noticing that the pain had increased. Upon withdrawing my hand I found my fingers glistening with dark blood under the starlight. It suddenly dawned on me that I remembered hearing my mother talking about how she had mild poisons in some of her rings. Not enough to kill anyone, just potent enough to make sure that no one ever got in her way more than once. The poisons were working. I knew I had to try and get to James' house faster than I had planned, before my motor skills were affected.

 I kept going for what seemed like hours, all the while trying to keep track of my direction to be certain that I would arrive at my destination. It became more difficult as the poisons began to take hold. My head was pounding like it might split in two and my body started shaking, breaking out in cold sweat. I was beginning to get worried that my impaired physical state had caused me to lose my way, but sure enough, as the first rays of dawn began to drift lazily over the horizon, I spotted the grounds of Godric Hollow.

I slowly made my descent onto a soft, green lawn. Then, leaving behind my broom and trunk, I staggered to the front door of the large stone mansion. Leaning against the doorframe, fatigued and ill, I slammed the knocker several times, feeling the pounding in my head become worse from the noise. I held my arms firmly at my sides, unsure of who would come to answer, afraid of what they would think.

The door opened and I was greeted by a pair of familiar hazel eyes.

They blinked at me from behind their spectacles, and I finally heard the voice that I had traveled so many miles to hear. The voice that I was counting on for comfort. "Sirius?"

The shocked smile that had appeared on his face quickly faded as he took in my appearance. "Sirius, what happened to you?"

He nervously ran a hand through his mussed black hair as he spoke. That hair. On my first time to Platform Nine and Three Quarters, I had met James. I took one look at his hair and immediately decided that we were friends. His appearance was unkempt and free and wild. Everything that I wanted to be. My mother had spotted James and told me not to socialize with boys like that. She hated James for his unruly hair – I loved him for it.

I tried to answer his question, but all my strength had left me and I collapsed into him. James slung one of my arms over his shoulder and wrapped his arm around my waist to steady me. Slowly, he led me into the house and called for his mother and father after dropping me into a soft wingback chair.

James' mother and father entered the room almost immediately. The part of my mind that was still functioning was wondering how long it would have taken my parents to respond if I had called them in such a frenzy. They probably wouldn't have come at all.

Mrs. Potter quickly rushed to my side and knelt down by my chair. Gently taking my chin in one hand, she examined my face and gasped. "Oh my God… Alex, he's been poisoned! We need to extract these venoms as soon as possible!"

As she dashed from the room, my eyes began to glaze over and I had difficulty focusing on faces. I could just make out the form of Mr. Potter coming towards me, leaning over and shaking me slightly by the shoulders.

"Sirius," he said in a stern but quiet voice. "Sirius, I need you to stay with me, do you understand? You need to stay awake. That's the most important thing right now. Don't worry about what you have to tell us, it can wait till later. Right now you have to concentrate on staying awake."

I tried my best to nod, but I wasn't sure if my body was obeying me at that point. It occurred to me how strange it was that he seemed to know that I had something to tell them. Strange but comforting. The way a family should be.

From the far corner of the room I heard James' strained, panic-filled voice. "Dad, is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, you can talk to him. Try to keep him from going unconscious. If you can do that, I can go help your mother, and we'll be able to heal him sooner." Mr. Potter walked toward the hall. "But make sure you don't ask him any questions. Nothing that will upset him."

Mr. Potter's footsteps echoed down the hallway as I felt James come to my side. "Don't worry, Padfoot, you're going to be fine." I listened as he struggled to maintain his playful, confident exterior. "I got an owl from Peter this morning, and you know what? He actually got O.W.L.s in three of his subjects! Herbology, Charms, and Care of Magical Creatures, I think. You remember how he was going on about how poorly he thought he did? Remus did wonderfully, of course. I don't know why he bothers studying, he never has a problem with anything. I did well too – O.W.L.s in everything except Divination. You probably did the same, eh? I'm sure you did… Anyway, if you need to stay here or something, that's fine. We can do stuff… go to a Quidditch game or something. Whatever you want."

I could tell from his tone that he wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. Just trying to keep me calm. He didn't need to, really. I was perfectly calm just knowing that he was there. When I was with James nothing could touch me.

Mrs. Potter came back into the room and knelt by me again. She put a bowl on the table next to my chair, and dipped a cloth into it. There was some sort of orange poultice in it.

"Where's dad?" James asked her.

"He's contacting some people. Just in case Sirius needs protection."

James blinked. "Why would he need protection?"

Mrs. Potter didn't say anything. I began to wonder if she knew something. After all, they were a pureblood family too. They probably knew about my family's beliefs and practices. It was then that I realized that I didn't know what I was going to tell them. Some part of me felt badly for even thinking about telling them what I'd been through. It was weak of me.

Mrs. Potter pressed the cloth to my cheek and I felt the pain begin to ebb away. My head stopped spinning and my eyes finally adjusted to the light in the room. After holding the cloth against my skin for several minutes, she finally took it away. The cloth had turned black.

"Well, I think that means that you're going to be just fine," Mrs. Potter informed James and me. "I don't think you're in danger from the poisons anymore, but I want you to rest, Sirius."

"No!" I exclaimed forcefully, shooting forward and causing pain to fire up through the center of my skull. "I don't want to rest. Please don't make me go to sleep now, I'm just starting to think clearly!"

Mrs. Potter sighed in a motherly manner, one that my own mother had never used. That sigh that said, 'I'm trying to point out what's best for you, but you're too stubborn, and I'm too worried about you to argue'. She sat down on a large red sofa and motioned for James to come sit next to her, making sure that he was closest to me.

We all waited for a few minutes until Mr. Potter came back in. He sat down in another large wingback chair that was across a coffee table from me. After looking me over carefully to make sure that I was in good shape, he turned to his wife while motioning to me. "Didn't want to go to sleep?" Mrs. Potter shook her head. Mr. Potter nodded. "Figures… Sirius, are you sure that you want to talk to us now? Because you don't have to. You can wait as long as you want."

I had to admit that the offer was tempting. But they had to know, and if I didn't tell them now, I never would. The only problem was that I was unsure of where to start.

After about a minute I finally found my voice. "They still have Regulus."

Mr. Potter nodded again in understanding. "Your brother."

My throat constricted and I swallowed hard. "But he doesn't know it yet. He doesn't know how wrong they are."

Mr. Potter took a deep breath as if he was preparing himself. "What did they do, Sirius?"

I paused a moment before letting it all out. As I spoke I felt rather detached from myself, but I was able to note their reactions. Especially, James' reactions. He hadn't been expecting any of this. 

When I finished there was silence. Mrs. Potter had tears in her eyes. Mr. Potter was frowning in deep thought. James was staring at the floor. 

Finally, Mr. Potter stood up. "Well, I believe that settles everything. Sirius, you'll be staying here for the summer, and I'm sure you'll be allowed to return for the next one. You can come home with James on the holidays, if you like. And I've spoken to Dumbledore and a few people at the Ministry. Your parents won't be able to touch you here."

I had never felt more relief in all my life as when I heard those words. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes for a brief moment whispering, "Thank you."

"Don't worry yourself about anything, Sirius," Mr. Potter assured me. "What you need right now is a good night's sleep. I'll get one of the house elves to bring up your things. You can sleep with James tonight and tomorrow we'll have a room set up for you. Does that sound good?"

I gave a small nod and watched Mr. Potter as he exited the room. James and Mrs. Potter stood up, and I did as well. After fussing with James' hair for a few seconds, Mrs. Potter turned to me. "Well, you've been here before, Sirius, so I'm sure I don't need to show you where everything is. James will help you if you need anything. Just rest and be glad that you won't be getting sick from any of those poisons. They weren't strong enough to severely harm you, but I think at least one of them was strong enough to put you in a coma for a week or two."

I would have read her tone as scolding if she hadn't swept me up in her arms a second later. My first instinct was to pull away since my own mother never got that close unless she meant to strike me, but I quickly relaxed, closing my eyes as Mrs. Potter ran a hand soothingly over the back of my head. When she finally pulled back, she squeezed my shoulders and smiled at me. "Now, James, you take him up to bed and then come down for breakfast. We'll have some saved for Sirius if he wants it later." We both nodded and left the room.

I followed James up a large wooden staircase to his bedroom. The Potter's house was every bit as grand as Grimmauld Place, but it was much more homey and charming. The pictures of family members were happy and smiling, the colors were bright and vivid. Despite all that had happened in the last day, I felt strangely optimistic about my new surroundings. I felt home.

When we got into James' room, he closed the door behind us and rounded on me. The look in his eyes was missing the usual glimmer.

"Sirius… why didn't you tell me?"

I shrugged. The lack of sleep was finally beginning to get to me, and I didn't feel up to responding when it was so clear in my mind.

He stared at my cheek, which I assumed was still red and swollen. "I've never kept anything from you. How could you not tell me about this?"

I was too frustrated to beat about the answer. "Because I knew you'd be mortified. They're so different from your family. And I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. So since I'd been able to handle it up to now, I saw no point in telling people about my family."

James shifted his eyes to the floor. I was surprised to find that he wasn't angry. Had I been in his position, I would have been furious. "I understand you not wanting pity, Sirius," James said quietly. "But I still wish you had told me. You shouldn't have had to go through all of that."

I let some time pass before I spoke again.

"I'm fine, James."

And for the first time in a long time, I meant it. Because I had just realized that sympathy and pity were two different things entirely. And sympathy from a friend meant so much more than I had ever anticipated.

James seemed to understand. Stepping back to the door, he opened it and turned back to look at me. "Up for a game of chess tonight?" he asked.

I smiled. "Yeah, sounds good."

James nodded and closed the door, leaving me alone to think.

I had been at the Potter's for about two weeks when I started getting mail. And the first message I received was the by far the most unexpected.

"It's from Regulus," I said, tearing open the envelope in front of James as we sat in the front yard playing a game of exploding snap.

I read the letter quickly.

_Dear Sirius,_

_This is the first and last time that I will be allowed to communicate with you outside of school, and even then, I doubt that I'll be able to talk to you much. Mum and dad really went crazy when they found out that you ran away. Mum burnt your name out of the tapestry. I tried to stop her, but she says that you're no longer a member of the family. I wish it didn't have to be this way. Things are pretty boring without you here._

_ We heard from some Ministry officials that you had been placed under the Potter's custody. Mum and dad were pretty angry about that, but I think it's good. You'll get to be with James all summer, and I'm sure you two will have a good time. I suppose that's all I have to say. Don't bother writing back, mum's been monitoring the mail, and she said she'd burn any letter coming from you. I'm really sorry, Sirius._

_Your brother always,_

_Regulus_

"What does it say?" James asked after I didn't speak for a long while.

I laughed bitterly. "She burnt my name out of the bloody tapestry. I'm no longer a member of the Black family."

James sighed. "I'm sorry."

I shrugged. "It's no big deal. I don't care."

But truthfully, I was frustrated because I did. Hearing that somehow finalized everything. I couldn't go back.

"I don't belong anywhere, do I, James?" I thought out loud.

James smiled. "Yes, you do. You belong here."

I don't think he ever realized how much those words meant to me.

A few days later, I received two more letters. James leaned over my shoulder from where I sat at the breakfast table and tried to make out the addresses of the senders.

"Hey, ones from Moony," he pointed out unnecessarily.

I nodded, but opened the other letter first and scanned it. After a moment, I burst out laughing.

"What is it?" asked James.

I waved the letter back and forth at him. "It's from my cousin, Andromeda."

James' brow creased. "You mean the un-evil one?"

I nodded. "She's getting married. To a muggle." I laughed again. "One more to burn out of the family tree, I suppose." I looked over the letter to make sure I'd caught everything. "She wants me to come to the wedding. Says so far, no one from her family is going to be there."

James nodded. "I'm sure we could get you there." He turned to his mother sitting next to him. "Right, mum?"

"Of course we can."

I gave her my patented charmer smile. "Thank you, Mrs. Potter."

"Now really, Sirius, with all the time you're going to be spending here, I think it's high time you started calling me Rebecca, don't you?"

My smile grew. "Rebecca it is, then."

"What does the letter from Moony say?" James asked.

I quickly opened the letter and began reading.

_Dear Sirius,_

_I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write, but it took me some time to figure out where you were (Thank James for not giving me the heads up, by the way. My owl is still recovering from the singed feathers she got for going to your house. I think your mother is trying to wreak her revenge on me for 'corrupting' you.). I understand that you're now living at James' house due to some problems that arose at home. That's all the information that anyone has been willing to give me. I hope you're all right._

_Anyway, I know we've got a few weeks yet, but I just wanted to know what day we were planning on meeting in Diagon Alley to get our supplies this year. Peter says that he's free on any day at this point, as am I, with summer winding down rather quickly. I also thought I'd make sure you were aware that the full moon is on the first week of school this year. You might not want to come with me in case you miss something important for the beginning of the year._

_Looking forward to seeing you both soon. Let me know when you'd like to meet._

_~ Remus_

"He wants to know when we'd like to meet at Diagon Alley before school starts," I told James. I watched as James' mother got up from the table to start putting dishes in the sink, and lowered my voice. "He also says that the full moon is on the first week of school, and he doesn't think we should come with him."

James rolled his eyes. "Crazy git. Of course we're going with him, he knows better than to tell us not to come."

"Not to come where, boys?" asked Rebecca from the sink.

"Nothing," we chorused in unison.

The rest of the summer went by without much incident. Lazy days spent playing games, keeping up with Quidditch scores, and going on family outings. The more time I spent with the Potter's, the more at home I felt. They treated me like a member of the family, and I was more than happy to accept such treatment. I did belong there.

A few weeks later we were on Platform Nine and Three Quarters. Our sixth year was about to start, but I wasn't focused on that at all.

"What is it?"

Though I had heard James ask me a question, I couldn't find my voice to answer. Several yards away I spotted my parents leading my brother toward the train. It was the first time I had ever gotten onto the platform without them. But oddly enough, when I looked at them, nothing seemed to be missing from the picture. As if I'd never existed.

I suddenly felt my knees begin to shake. James grabbed my arm. "Are you okay, Padfoot?"

I passed a hand over my eyes. "Yeah… let's just get on the train, James. Please."

James nodded and started saying his final goodbyes to his parents. Remus spotted us and ran over.

"Hi guys. Where's Peter?"

"You know Peter," James scoffed. "He always just makes it. We should go and look for seats, he'll be able to find us."

The three of us hastily piled into an empty car. Peter eventually did join us, and Remus left briefly for the prefects meeting. Surprisingly, the ride was quite uneventful, which was a first for us. Unless you counted Lily Evans coming into our car to give James her annual pre-school lecture about how she hoped he would be a better person this year. It was still a mystery to me how she hadn't figured out that she was in love with him yet. Several hours later, we all got off the train, finally arriving at Hogwarts.

As we walked into the Great Hall, I spotted my brother heading over to the Slytherin table. He glanced over in my direction and eventually spotted me. What seemed to pass like minutes couldn't have been more than ten seconds. We simply stared at each other. I waited for the reaction – there were only two possible outcomes. 

Something that resembled regret came over my brother's features. I felt hopeful, in spite of everything. But then he turned his gaze away from me. His eyes hardened. He sat down at the Slytherin table with his back facing me. I bit my lip at the rejection. It wasn't as if I hadn't expected it. We were miles apart now, and we could never be the same again. 

James ushered me over to the Gryffindor table, and I took my seat beside my marauding companions. I was beginning to feel sick to my stomach, and tried to keep out of the conversation at the table. They wouldn't let me. Little by little, they dragged me into responding, goaded me into my usual sarcasm and self-assurance. Because they knew me. They knew what I needed from them. Because they were my family. 

And that was enough for me.

^*^

Well… how was that? Did you like it? Please review, I'd love to know what you think! I might write a little companion piece to this later on about some of the things that happen with the first Order of the Phoenix and what happens with Sirius. It'll be about the same length probably. But first tell me what you think of this one. I've never written anything that was based in the books like this before, and I want to make sure that I did okay with it!


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